such a lot of world to see

I'm at that age where it I want to go every where, and see everything, but when it comes down to the bare soil of things - I'm a little bit terrified. I'm afraid of getting lost in the doing, getting wrapped up in the going and I'll forget how to come home. The thing is, I like home. I like the feeling of always having a place that welcomes you and really would rather you didn't leave. This year I'm turning 18 and graduating highschool. I've always tried to take birthdays and occasions like graduation in stride, it's something that happens and it's not a big deal. But this year my stomach churns with a mix of excitement and trepidation at the thought of the responsibility of still having childlike tendencies but no long are allowed to revert to them. People have been treating me like an adult for years, but it's only now that I'm considered to be one where that fact scares me. I'm nervous of expecting too much from myself and failing, because I'm still a kid. I'm nervous of letting people down when they have put so much into my life. I'm nervous about buying gas, and making enough pointless money to pay for insurance. Business plans scare me because what if I do something wrong and then the rest of my life is ruined? I let my mind spin until I want to drown it all out with more work and procrastination of things that are supposed to be important.

At the same time, I'm happy and I'm growing and I'm satisfied in where I am right now. I'm yearning for bigger things, and pulling away from them at the same time. It's a bit of a conundrum and I'm not sure how to battle it. Maybe I embrace the confusion, it's new and exciting. Keeps my heart racing. I'll plant my feet firmly on the new soil I touch, I'll walk through the middle of problems and not tiptoe around the edges.

One thing I know; if I fall, there will always be a hand to pull me out and I guess I need to rely on Him all the time. It's hard to take your own advice.

Anyway, I know I sound like a silly goose repeating the same heart cry of thousands of young people like me. It's not uncommon but it doesn't mean it's not important.


  1. "It's not uncommon but it doesn't mean it's not important. "


  2. That last sentence. Just yes. I agree. I am feeling the same way right now, but the fact that others feel the same way doesn't diminish my fears.

  3. yes, yes, yes. you said exactly what i've been feeling for days. weeks, months even. except you said it much better than i could have. that last line, though. exactly. <3

  4. ohmygosh, this is just so amazing and so lovely and you do NOT sound like a silly goose, but a wonderful human being. continue writing, please do.
    -lotus m.
    blog | tumblr


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